Move Over Groupon: My Million Dollar Ideas

I seem to constantly be thinking of million-dollar ideas. Like, every day I have another idea that could feasibly turn into a cement truck full of dollar bills.

million dollars

My ideas in money form

The problem is that I’m overworked and under energized. I spend nearly half my day reading emails and the other half my day responding to emails. And unless I can think of a way to monetize the reading and sending of my personal emails, my million-dollar ideas will continue to collect dust on my brain mantle.

So instead, I just maintain an ongoing list of all my ideas in the hopes that one day I’ll find the time/super rich benefactor to help me make these thoughts turn into tangible realities. Who knows? Perhaps I will create the next Groupon?


An entrepreneur's wet dream

My past million-dollar ideas have covered the gamut, from home decor to the food industry to the porn industry. I have retired many of these ideas. But because I see no reason to let a good idea just die, I am now revealing several of them to you, impoverished reader. Should you have the time and competence to see these ideas to market, then please take them. Lord knows I’m not using them. Also, feel free to pay me generous royalties. Okay, thanks.

SMOES: My foray into the candy business, SMOES were little dehydrated marshmallows soaked in a proprietary syrupy substance and then covered in chocolate. My college roommate and I were going to sell them wholesale to a local candy store, but then we ate all of our product because we were hungry. We never made SMOES again. But we did come up with a marketing campaign that included Busta Rhymes saying “Give me some SMOES.”

Foamiture: This was my foray into the home decor space. Foamiture is a cheap, light-weight form of furniture targeted to college students and young adults. Basically, the process entails filling a plastic mold with a foam insulation substance. The end result is a reasonably durable, light-weight piece of furniture made of foam. This was another college-era idea, which died to a lack of start-up capital.

Made-to-order Porn: Quite possibly my most lucrative idea of all time, made-to-order porn is just what it sounds like. It is pornography that is custom created for a particular individual. Yes, there is a nearly endless supply of free pornography on the Internet. So you would think there would be little demand for customized porn. Not so. Many men would pay a very hefty sum of money to see their specific fantasies acted out in complete detail. You want a redheaded woman with natural double D breasts to fellate a snowman?  We can make it happen. How about an African-American little person riding a pony in the nude. Not a problem. The only reason why this idea didn’t happen is because I thought I had moral integrity, which as I now know is a major liability in the world of business.


One response to “Move Over Groupon: My Million Dollar Ideas

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