Dogs! God’s Chosen Pet

A dog is the closest thing I will ever have to a child. It’s not that I’m gay and put off by the red tape of adoption and surrogacy. It’s that if I’m going to spend thousands of dollars on raising a dependent creature, I’d rather spend it on something that won’t throw a temper tantrum in the ice cream aisle of the grocery store.

Crying kid

I feel nothing for you.

I don’t currently have a dog myself, though it is not for lack of want. I yearn to have a little four-legged friend that will love me unconditionally, even when I act like a total dick. I’m not saying I will go out of my way to be a total dick to my dog. That’s just cruel and sadistic. I’m just saying I know that I have a habit of acting like a total dick, and it’s good to know I won’t have to wake up the next morning and call my dog to apologize for the stupid shit I said the night before.

Dog phone

Hey, Daisy. About last night? When I called you a bitch, I meant it in the technical sense. I think you have a wonderful personality.

Like a little girl fantasizing about her dream wedding, I fantasize in detail about being a dog owner. I imagine owning two dogs: a Boston Terrier and a French Bulldog. I don’t know what it is about smooshed faces, buggy eyes and respiratory problems. Maybe I just want a pet that will make me feel more secure about my own looks and lung capacity.

french bulldog

I am trying to break your heart.

The Boston Terrier would be a boy named Ziggy, after the cartoon character who I obsessed over as a child. The French Bulldog would be a girl named Beyonce. Together, we’d walk through the park along the lakefront and wait for hot guys to hit on me because, if physics has taught us anything, it’s that hot men cannot resist cute dogs.

equation

Translation: (1 average guy + 2 dogs) + hot gay men = a busy afternoon

At night, Ziggy and Beyonce would curl up with me and serve as living pillows. In the morning, they’d wake me up with their pig-like snorts. I’d put an organic pureed salmon and rice mixture in their bowls, which they would gobble up, and then we’d all head out of the house for further adventures.

boston terrier

> A pony

But for now, this dog dream will have to remain a work of fiction. My apartment does allow dogs, but there’s no way my hectic schedule could fit in caring for a couple of pooches. I practically have to pencil in bowel movements as is.

Still, there is a way for me to satisfy my maternal urges. This weekend I went down to the Anti-Cruelty Society in downtown Chicago to look at the animals. This is a great organization, and I highly recommend you check it out if you are looking for volunteer opportunities, charities to donate to or to adopt a pet. My boyfriend and I went to each cage and gave each dog a little bit of attention, which they appreciate immensely. Living in a small pen in unfamiliar surroundings can be very stressful for these animals. So a little love goes a long way. We even got to take one out of its cage and keep it company.

dog

Me and my new best friend

So if you’re having dog urges but don’t have the means to care for a four-legged friend, visit your local shelter. The staff and the animals will be grateful.

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2 responses to “Dogs! God’s Chosen Pet

  1. I love dogs, Keith, but, are dogs > ponies? Really!? 😛

  2. If I had a bed sturdy enough and big enough to support a pony, then I may put them on equal hoofing.

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