I don’t wear clothes inside my apartment. Yeah, that’s right. Underwear perhaps. But shirt, pants and shoes? That shit is super optional.Does that gross you out? Does that turn you on? Are you going to think twice before coming over and sitting on my couch now that you know that cushion has been soiled by the skin of my bare butt? Perhaps you should bring your own Lysol because I certainly don’t keep any on hand.
Don’t look at me like I’m crazy. It’s not like you’re the pillar of dress. I’m sure in the privacy of your apartment you disrobe all the time. After all, you do shower in the nude, don’t you? Don’t you? Or are you so ashamed of your body that you clean yourself through a hole in a sheet.
Look. I find clothes restrictive. Always have. In college, if you got me hopped up on goofballs, I wouldn’t hesitate to start ripping my clothes off and screaming, “Clothes are the shackles of a repressive society! Also, I’m a glass of Kool-Aid!”
Occasionally, my proclivity for minimalist fashion gets me in trouble. Like this time during freshman year when I had been drinking in my dorm. I was stripped down to my boxers, in part because I had just puked on my pants. From down the hall, I heard the voice of a girl I was interested in romantically. This was during those days when I was trying to be straight. In the least suave way possible, I stumbled out of my room to say hello.
Although what occurred is kind of a blur, I remember the look on the girl’s face when she saw me, twisted in a state of pity and confusion at the site of me drunk and nearly naked. I believe I tried to act nonchalantly by striking up conversation.
“Hey, *hiccup* how’s it going?”
At this point, her friend, who was accompanying her, started frantically pulling her away, as if I was a totaled car on the verge of exploding. And then, if I couldn’t embarrass myself anymore, I fell on my ass. Immediately, the girl put her hand to her mouth in an “Oh my God” fashion. I thought she was just worried for my safety. But quickly I realized that the new vantage point gave the girl and her friend a direct line of vision straight up my boxers, revealing my dangling manhood.
Upon realizing that I had just conducted a “big reveal,” I tried to retain a shred of dignity by literally crawling on my hands and knees back into my room and closing the door.
A month later, we were dating. I guess she liked the goods?
I have since learned to be more reserved with my lack of reservations. I make sure to keep the blinds of my apartment closed, I throw clothes on before company arrives and I wear underwear that keeps the bits corralled in one place.
So, why not live a little? The weather is only going to be warm for a few more weeks. Go ahead and peel off those outer layers and let the inside out.