Part-Time Lover (or Dishwasher or Receptionist or Whatever)

"$8.50 and hour? I hope my kids like Alpo."

Perhaps you read my post about hustling as a freelancer. Perhaps just reading that post gave you fatigue. I know living this kind of life sure can be tiring. And that’s why sometimes I daydream about picking up a part-time job to subsidize my income, something easy and mindless that can help pay the bills, especially when the freelance pool is a little dry.

Here’s a list of jobs I’ve considered picking up since I became a freelancer three years ago:

  • Sandwich maker – I actually went on a job interview for this one. They wanted to pay me $8/hr. I could make more money selling lemonade outside my apartment. Part of me thinks I made too good an impression during my job interview. I think the hiring manager thought I just saw sandwich making as a stepping stone to bigger career prospects. Or perhaps I grossed him out when  a booger flew out of my nose at the beginning of our conversation. Yeah, I’m a fucking Ziggy cartoon.
  • Waiter – I’ve been a waiter in the past. I actually like the job. The only thing I don’t like is dropping things. It’s not that I drop things frequently. I don’t. It’s just the fear of dropping things is always at the front of my mind. I think the customers can smell the terror. It smells like a steak smothered in grilled onions.
  • Parking lot attendant – Who wouldn’t want to sit in a little booth all day and listen to your iPod? How hard can this job be? “You! Don’t park there!” I’m surprised they haven’t automated all of these. But I guess it’s probably cheaper to pay someone next to nothing than it is to buy a robot. Or maybe all those people in the booths are robots. Makes you think.
  • Dog walker – I fucking love dogs. They are so fucking adorable, and they don’t have a complaint or a gripe in the world. They are just dogs, and it is as simple as that. Unfortunately, these jobs almost always require the individual to have a car, which I don’t have and with good reason. I’m a crappy driver.
  • Bartender – I’ve never bartended before. But I can’t imagine it being too difficult. As long as I’m not making some kind of fancy libation, I can pour just as good as anyone else. I just don’t know if I can stand the clientele. Drunk people annoy me to no end. Then again, most of the bartenders I know feel the same way. So perhaps I am perfect for the job.
  • Receptionist – Answering phones seems really easy. And often it is. It’s transferring that can be tough. And if you fuck this up, your boss will probably hand your ass to you. Receptionists often get blamed for everything, and they are usually the focal point of office gossip. Basically, they serve as punching bags for the rest of the staff who do real work. Fortunately, I don’t really care what other people think, and I like filing my nails. So I’m kind of perfect for this gig.
The truth is that I’m sticking with freelance through thick and thin. There’s not many part-time jobs that can pay enough to justify the time they eat up. I mean $10/hr? Really? I’m going to waste 20 hours (not including the time spent on public transportation, which can be as much as two hours roundtrip) of my week to make $200? And that’s pre-tax? If you find someone who is willing to take that kind of job, you should fire them because they lack an understanding of basic economics. So, yeah. Even when the going gets tough, I guess I’m not going anywhere. Freelance for life (or until my secret benefactor showers me with gold coins). 

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