1. The True Libertarian
You’re a rebel. You walk your on path on your own time in your own boots. After all, you worked hard for those boots with those bootstraps that you pulled yourself up by. You’ve read 1984. You know about Big Brother, and you walk the line between high and overdose levels of suspicion toward the government. You’re against all taxes and believe Capitol Hill should keep its nose out of your business. What purpose do they serve? Military? You guess, but you’d rather have a bunch of well-trained, well-armed militias. You’re fine with gays doing whatever they want. Abortions? Whatever. The government has no right to legislate what a woman does with her body. But a public healthcare option? Not on your watch, buddy. And while we’re at it, you want to take away Medicare, Medicaid, public libraries and interstate highway maintenance. You know, because it smells like a Marxist plot waiting to unfold.
2. The Moronic Libertarian
You love Glenn Beck. In fact, you lie awake at night, fantasizing about a naked Glenn Beck hovering over you, beckoning you with his titillating rants and his brow sweat. You’re a teabagger and you have the “Obamanation” shirt to prove it. The government is spending too much money, your money, your hard earned money that you earned on that factory floor. That factory floor where you get paid $10 and change an hour to do the same task over and over again. Thank God for cigarettes because that’s the only respite you get all day. Too bad you’ve been developing that terrible cough, that hacking. You know you’re probably going to go the way of your dad, getting the cancer. But he was a man damn it and so are you. But your employer-offered health insurance won’t cover your chemo costs. Too bad you voted to get rid of that union. Economy’s bad so the man has been cutting back your benefits. Still, that cigarette, that sweet sweet smoke, always takes you away to a place where there are no problems like screaming children, Libtards and black presidents. A public healthcare option is both socialist and fascist. You’re not quite sure what either means, but that naked image of Glenn Beck whispered those words in your ear as the image of Jesus on a piece of toast gave him the reach around. Hopefully you’ll live to see 65 when Medicare kicks in. Thank God for that.
3. The Fiscal Conservative
You think the government does have a place at the healthcare table. Hell, you already have Medicare, something you fought hard against, but, well, it’s here to stay, just like your mother-in-law who, thank to Medicare, won’t fucking die! Ever! Why does she have to live with you, you wonder? If only we could create some sort of a death panel…but you digress. In any case, you believe the government should not offer a public option. You’d be breaking the bank, what with those forgotten wars going on overseas in those countries with all that sand. Thank goodness everyone forgot about those or else you’d never stand a chance as a political party ever again. Those things cost an arm and a leg, and now they just sit in the corner collecting dust, like a GameCube. You do see that healthcare should be reformed. In fact, you would like to see people pool their efforts together to collectively get insurance from private insurers, bringing down the cost of premiums. Pre-exising conditions and drops in coverage? Um, pass. You’ll talk about that later, if anyone ever asks, which hopefully they won’t because, thanks in part to your efforts, there’s so much hoopla with those Dems that no one is even thinking of asking you for your opinion. Since this is such a headscratcher, you think it is best to just sit this one out, take a backseat to the more fanatical members of your party, and bask in being a No Man.
4. The Liberal
You love spending money, money that, quite honestly, the country questionably doesn’t have. Regardless, you believe you start with healthcare for all and work your way back, at whatever cost is necessary. After all that is the role of the government, isn’t it? To protect the well-being of its citizens. And isn’t promoting a healthy citizenry only going to benefit the country in the long run? Healthy people are productive people, that’s what it says on your desk calendar today. You think purchasing health insurance should be mandatory. After all, auto insurance and fire insurance are both often mandatory. And isn’t someone’s health more important than a car or a home? Or, you wonder, do we really live in a country that is so fixated on the O.C. and Sweet Sixteen that we really value a pony or a Land Rover over a set of healthy teeth and gums? You’re happy you’re against possessing fire arms because you know if you were down with guns, you’d totally blow your brains out. Has the world gone mad? Get a grip on yourself. You believe a public healthcare option is necessary to ensure that everyone receives coverage. To you, it’s not so much socialized medicine as it is a promise of a society to its people. After all, no one asked to be born here. You just are. So let’s try to help each other out a bit, okay? Oh, and at night, when Glenn Beck is chirping his fat fucking head off, you sit back in your armchair, a bottle of whiskey in your hand, and you laugh and laugh and laugh until you just find yourself sobbing until you fall asleep.