Kanye…More Like Kantye

I don’t typically write about pop culture. I find the whole scene full of bubblegum stupidity with its head wrapped in a plastic bag, slowly asphyxiating to the point of retardation. But I don’t mind reading about it the next day on my computer. Thanks Interwebs!

Looks like MTV had another installment of its annual Video Music Awards, an awards show that arbitrarily awards music industry products, such as Beyonce, Pink and Kelly Clarkson, for being such good and obedient cash cows. Moo! I say. Moo!

The awards really have no reason to exist. Going off their name, you would think that they honor the artistry behind the development and execution of a musician’s music video, which the musician often has very little say in. And if this were the case, bands like Coldplay, Animal Collective or Man Man would have been nominated since each has had a pretty amazing video in the past year (and I don’t even like Coldplay. But seriously, check out their video, the one with the chalk drawings. I’d post it here, but I’m a lazy ass, and I’m enjoying my Apple Jacks. We just do, okay?). But in the MTV world of the VMAs, the winners are always pop icons with mediocre to terrible videos that have been derived from more groundbreaking and interesting material (Beyonce’s Single Ladies and Bob Fosse’s famous routines or Taylor Swift’s video and anything by Avril Lavine). And ideally you wouldn’t have the artist who made the song come to accept the award; you’d have the director or the producer of the video. But nobody wants to see a chubby bearded Jew in a baseball cap and sports coat. So instead we get blond pop tarts.

But exist these things do, and last night, I guess, some sort of Kanye West fiasco occurred. As we all know, Kanye is ridiculous. He’s a semi-talented musical something that has an ego the size of Texas. He also has a girlfriend who looks like a tranny…but that’s another story. In any case, everyone knows Kanye is a loose cannon. And he’s always a good time at the VMAs. He’s like your drunk uncle at the family Christmas party, or that guy at the office who has Tourrettes.  Also, whereas most people in attendance understand the absurdity of an awards show that awards nothing to nobody that was really involved in what the award is for, Kanye doesn’t get this. It’s like when you pretend to throw a ball and your dog thinks you actually threw a ball and runs off to fetch it. Kanye’s that stupid dog.

The fiasco in question was Kanye’s interruption of some girl named Taylor Swift, who was giving an acceptance speech for winning an award. I guess this little girl was up against Beyonce (who I do know and respect only because she is dating Jay-Z, who is pretty awesome) for the same award. About a year ago, Beyonce had a music video that was all the rage at the bars, particularly the gay ones. It was a redux of a Bob Fosse routine (you can just see the jazz hands when you read that name). The video was parodied constantly by girls and gay boys alike. It became a bit of a cult sensation. Regardless, it lost. Why? Nobody knows. And most people don’t care and slept just fine anyway (unless you are a Bears fan…but that’s another story). Taylor Swift, this 19-year-old blond “country” star, won for a video that’s  kind of a tween cliche (yes, I forced myself to watch it). Something about cheerleaders and boys and parents and love. Pukey!

Anyway, Swift was accepting the award when Kanye, in all his classless glory, stole the mic and made an inebriated and impassioned rant about how Beyonce was robbed. Upon handing the mic back to Swift, we got to see both an embarrassed Beyonce and a mortified little girl (that being Swift, though if you had assumed it was me while watching the clip, you’d be right too).

The wolves were quick to sink their teeth into Kanye. More than 1,500 news outlets are carrying the story right now. Celebrities from D-list to C-list are Twittering and Blogging and Facebooking and screaming at their agents about this, “Maury! Can you believe what this Kanye fellow did? That poor little shiksa goy and her sad punim. For shame on him!” (If you guessed this was Lady Gaga, you’d be correct!). And I even started my tongue clicking, until I realized it was a minor seizure. After returning from the hospital, I wrote this blog.

So Kanye. Here you are now, head first into your denouement. You used to rule the world, and now your term is over. Everyone is just waiting for you to pack up your things and leave the scene entirely. We’d prefer it if you did so silently, but we all know that is not your way. You’re going to go down in a blazing firey trail of glory, a tragic swan song well-suited for someone who is as over-the-top as you. One day you’ll realize what it means to be humble. One day you’ll realize what it means to be an artist, and to not pine purely for fame and fortune as you do. Because to you, Kanye, being a “musician” is all about owning a big house and lots of cars and a MacBook Air. But it’s really about sacrifice and expression and connection with others. It’s about working your ass off and not really expecting any recognition in return. We as artists, true artists, aren’t doing what we do to get our names on some walk of fame or etched into a tacky award. We do what we do because we have to. There’s something in our being that drives us to create, and to snuff that out is like hammering an axe into our skulls.

Also, Kanye is gay. Which would be fine if he wasn’t so douchey gay. Like Minibar gay. That’s a huge turnoff.

Did somebody say douche nozzle?

Did somebody say douche nozzle?

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3 responses to “Kanye…More Like Kantye

  1. LOVE this blog. Especially the last 4 lines. HILARIOUS! And I love you too, Keith!

  2. what a nozzle!

  3. LOL. very funny post.

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