Sage Advice From a Drag Queen

The best way to start any conversation (and there is NO room for argument here…NONE!), is “So I heard some sage advice from a drag queen…” Your audience will immediately perk up. The straights will want to hear what over-the-top, hot-tranny-mess business you got yourself into now, and the gays will want to hear the advice.

Is it strange that a drag queen would be able to offer us all a glimpse into the endless depths of wisdom that are beyond us mere mortals? No. For you see, like their ancestors before them (the banshee, the fairy, the pixie, the drag-on), the drag queen is a magical creature with powers beyond our lay comprehension. It’s common knowledge that they come from a lost land near the arctic circle that is inhabited by both dinosaurs and robots (who sometimes attempt to breed in vain, creating a tragic mess of rotating machine parts and slaughtered triceratops genitalia). Drag queens are the Tarzans of these lands, and they travel in packs, hunting and gathering as their dual natures would suggest. Two spirited is what gay Indians would call them.

But us humans in our endless quest to ruin every party enslaved these queens and brought them to our land to live among our people like so much house cats. Unable to assimilate, the drag queens found themselves homeless, begging for platform shoes and sparkly, shiny dresses on street corners. Finally they found homes in nightclubs across the country, performing like little trained poodles for our hungry eyes. “Entertain us! We are so bored we will watch you lip synch to songs we never liked when they were new 10 years ago!” That is what we say. And they abide. Oh yes, they abide.

There is one drag queen, however, who has shown herself to be, how shall I put it…of extraordinary pedigree. They call her Ru Paul, and she is obsessed with putting bass into your walk (see “Ru Paul’s Drag Race” for reference). In any case, Ru had a reality show where various other members of the drag queen race competed to see who was the best. The winner got hand-me down prizes from various other reality shows, such as a photoshoot in Paper magazine and $20,000. After the show concluded, the producers decided we, the viewing public, craved more. And so we did. And so they fed us some more slop from the t.v. slop bowl, that being a post-show “where are these queens now” kind of thing. And during this segment, after one of the drag queens spoke out of turn and gave Ru some lip, Ru (in man form) talked back. See below, and then continue reading for commentary.

If you didn’t notice, what Ru says is some good shit. Don’t let the haters get to you. The only reason you ever have self doubt is because you are forgetting who you are. People’s negative opinions about you are their problem. Constructive criticism is one thing, but trying to tear someone down just reflects that person’s insecurities. It’s not your problem. You just keep strutting in your heels, knowing that you are indeed fabulous.

This is what has partly inspired me to be more bold in my own life. I’m trying to produce a special monthly series right now. I’ve never produced something like this. I’ve done 5-week runs of improv and sketch shows, but not an ongoing, monthly series. And I know there are some people out there who probably doubt I can do this. And I know there is a voice inside me that believes them. But I will NOT let that voice win out. I know I can produce a damn good show, and a damn good show I will produce. Or my drag name isn’t Nikki Teen.

And what.

And what.

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3 responses to “Sage Advice From a Drag Queen

  1. And what? What’s your drag name going to be!? Will we be seeing Ms. Kelly Ecker working the runway sweetie?

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