SPAM From The War

I received this today:

Good day and compliments, I know this letter will definitely come to you
as a huge surprise, I am SGT. Vaja U. Mailier, a Georgian Soldier, serving
in the Infantry battalion, Iraq.

I am desperately in need of your assistance and I have summoned up courage
to contact you. I am presently in Iraq and I found your contact
particulars in an address journal. I am seeking your assistance to
evacuate the sum of $8.750,000:00 to the States or any safe country, as
far as I can be assured that it will be safe in your care until I complete
my service here. This is no stolen money and there are no dangers

SGT. Vaja U. Mailier
Georgian Soldier. IRAQ

And I responded with this:

Goodness, SGT. Mailier!

A Georgian soldier you say? All the way from Iraq? Why I’ve never been out of the fine state of Kansas! This is all so much!

I am glad you have summoned up the courage to contact me, especially in light of your monetary burden that you seek to unload. You see, my diabetes has been getting real bad. I mean real bad. It’s not my fault they put a Dunkin Donuts right next to Mary Jo’s daycare (she’s my little angel). I just can’t resist their Munchkins. Do you know what Munchkins are, SGT. Mailier? They are donut holes. Anyway, when I eat to many, my vision gets blurry on account of my diabetes. Doctor Norman says if I keep this up, I might have to lose an eye, or worse a foot! Then again, I’m not sure which is worse, an eye or a foot? You would probably know, SGT. Mailier, what with you being at war and all. If you summon the courage to write again, you should let me know.

So in addition to my diabetes, Mary Jo has been wanting this new Bratz doll that just came out. Do you know what a Bratz doll is, SGT. Mailier? It’s like a Barbie but they got bigger eyes and less clothes. I don’t really approve of it. I don’t think it’s the best roll model for my little angel, but then again I just can’t stand to see her pout. Also, Debra Vanderslice just bought her little girl the whole set, and Debra and that little turd she popped out of a daughter won’t shut up about it. So I’ve saving up for weeks, stocking away a dollar from every paycheck I get from Sack N Save, until I can buy Mary Jo that Bratz she wants. But like I said, I’ve developed quite the donut hole habit, so I just keep stocking all that money away in my belly. Oh, SGT. Mailier! I’m such a terrible person!

SGT. Mailier…can I tell you something? I feel like I can trust you, what since you are entrusting me with millions of dollars. I’m lonely. I haven’t felt the touch of a man since my deadbeat husband Frank sped off in his truck two years ago, probably off to see that trampy harlot who works over at the City Tittie. I’d really appreciate it if when you come to collect your money, you also maybe stay a while longer. I could use the strong hands of a soldier around the trailer. I’m not saying you have to marry me or nothing. Just a long weekend. You and me. Like a couple of teenagers up to no good. Don’t feel no pressure now. I’m just throwing that out there into the wind and seeing if it catches a breeze.

So in conclusion, SGT. Mailier, your letter has brought a ray of sunshine into my otherwise cloudy life. Bless your heart and your soul to the highest peak of our Father’s (the Creator) home in heaven.

Most sincere regards,

Phyllis Anne Wentworth


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