Take A Bite Out Of Apple

I used to be a stereotypical Macintosh consumer. I hated on suit-clad squares while I wore oversized hoodies and slip-on shoes. My hair was shaggy; my apartment furnished by Ikea, and I smoked pot. And of course, above all else, I sucked the giant glowing rod of Apple.

Nothing that little California company could produce was wrong in my eyes. From the teensie tiny iPod Shuffle (which looks like a musical suppository) to the sleek desktop units (version 2 looked a bit like Johnny 5 from Short Circuit). Every newly released little white-encased gadget made me giggle as if I was in some kind of a nitrous-fueld giggle fit. Soon, I wanted my own. But how could I afford the steep price tags? A computer for $1,200 minimum? I couldn’t even get one if I cut off my left arm (which according to my old HR manual that specified how much money they’d pay you for losing a limb is true).

So I saved and worked and saved and worked and slaved away until I could finally buy a beautiful, new MacBook along with a video iPod. This was about 3 to 4 years ago. Flash forward to now. That MacBook is dead and gone. Turns out Apple only expects their machines to last 3 years tops (according to one of the self-appointed geniuses at the “Genius Bar”). And my iPod’s headphone jack is jacked. It doesn’t work. Plain and simple.

But did I learn my lesson? Nope! I went out and bought a new MacBook and an iPhone! That’s like a trillion dollars. No one can blame me for not contributing to the U.S. economy. Yay America! So anyway, I have to say nothing has gone terribly wrong with my MacBook. So I really can’t complain about anything there. But the iPhone! Jesus Louiseus! The fact that Apple contracted with AT&T for exclusive service is terrible. AT&T can suck my balls so hard that my balls fall off in AT&T’s mouth. Take that, Ma Bell! This is a company that had me on the phone for literally nearly 18 hours because they failed to set up my DSL service time and time again. In the end, nearly two weeks after service was supposed to be live, it was finally active. I got some compensation out of the troubles I had, but it truly isn’t equitable. This is also the company that provides the shittiest phone service in the country. I barely get reception in my apartment, and after repeated calls to techincal support, the only answer I got was “We know there are problems in your area, but we aren’t going to do anything about it.” Seriously! Plus, the service was uber-crappy in San Francisco, so I know it’s not just a Chicago thing. So thanks Apple for becoming bed buddies with the dumbest company on the face of the planet.

Now, if this isn’t enough to turn you off to Macs, there’s one more thing. My boyfriend’s computer, the ultralight MacBook Air, has stopped working. He updated the OS, and now it’s gone stupid on his ass. He’s tried troubleshooting it all night and nothing. Nothing! So now he has to wipe his hard drive clean. He would do a back up, but Apple charges $100 for that.

So in conclusion, take this Mac and shove it. Apple, you have lost a fan. A diehard fan. And I’m sure you’re losing them by the throngs. I’m anticipating Google’s Chrome OS system. Google knows how to take care of me. Google knows what I want. Google works out and has a full head of hair. And this is what it will be like when I run into Apple again:

Oh, hi, Apple! I didn’t see you sitting on that barstool all alone, crying into your…what is that? Oh, a glass of warm gin. Well, don’t you look…good? No, I didn’t mean for that to sound condecending. You do look good! Really! Really. I mean it. Look at that….um…shirt! It’s a nice shirt. With buttons! You never wore those shirts when we first got together. You said that was a PC thing. Remember how you’d walk around in your skinny black jeans and your Converses? Strutting like you were something, something big? What happened, right? Yeah. We all get old. But it doesn’t mean you have to act like it (slaps Apple on the back and begins laughing until tears well). Oh my. I’m really cracking myself up. Oh, Apple, this is Google. (Google says hi and then tells me he’s going to flirt with the bartender to get us free drinks for the night). Isn’t he? So young, so confident. Reminds me of you….5 years ago. I feel real good about this one. Then again, I felt real good about you too. (Sigh) Oh well. Sometimes things don’t come out the way you expect. I mean, did you ever think you’d be balding, sporting a stache and thrice divorced? I guess that’s what you get for becoming a crotchety old man. No! I’m sorry. That was uncalled for. I’m just a little bitter about how everything ended. I thought we had so much promise together. I guess I still care a bit. But I know it can never work out. I have to go. Google has a couple of sidecars with our names on it. Call me! We’ll get coffee!

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One response to “Take A Bite Out Of Apple

  1. Thanks for that Keith, glad to see the Cult of Apple is not growing exponentially by default! Hopefully run into you at the Summit in Chicago . . .

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