Chicago Hates Kylie Minogue

That’s the only reason I can think of. THE ONLY REASON I CAN THINK OF…as to why oh why Kylie’s appearance in Chicago (on her first U.S. tour EVER in fact) is going to be one of the biggest disappointments of many a middle-aging gay men’s lives.

You have no idea how tirelessly I have researched her October show at the Congress Theater, snooping on this site and reading that forum to get a sense of whether the outrageous $75 price tag is going to be worth admission. My hunger for information only increased when I discovered recently that the show is STILL NOT SOLD OUT despite the fact that tickets went on sale several months ago.

Now to the latter point, I have conducted a tiny survey of gay men who reside on Chicago’s North Side, asking why they think the “one-in-a-lifetime” concert has not sold out. Their response, “I guess Americans just don’t get Kylie.” This is a stupid, stupid response on so many levels.

Kylie has been around for two decades. She might not be as big as Britney, honey, but she has amassed quite an American fanbase, and I’m not just talking about those that yearn for her Locomotion days. Given that Chicago has a population of 3 million (with the surrounding area more than doubling that) and given that the Congress Theater only fits max 2,500 people, I doubt the validity of the speculation that she just isn’t appreciated. In addition, consider the fact that non-Illinois Kylie fans on her forum are planning to come to the Chicago show, and it slaps the face of reason that Kylie can’t sell out a house of 2,500 in the Midwest.

I know why the Kylie show has not sold out. It’s actually pretty easy to guess if you know ANYTHING about the local music venue scene. The Congress Theater is a notorious shit hole. It is more famous than any other shit hole in the city, and that’s saying something (Chicago is the city of Big Shit Holes). I understand Kylie wanted to pick scaled-down venues for her tour. This isn’t going to be the laser light show and big to-do that the X tour was. No. This is going to be kind of like VH1 storytellers but without the story. Just Kylie. In a theater that most people are surprised has not falled down due to ruin. Seriously. The Congress may look kind of stunning due to its age, but it’s terrible for music. The acoustics are arguably decent, though some shows have led to the complaint that no vocals could be heard over the echo of the music. The space is awkwardly laid out, with some chairs in odd places but mainly a wide open floor. Now a wide open floor is perfect for a Kylie show (though according to her message board, many people are expecting seats. That what you get for having an “all ages” concert). Oh, and the bathrooms are gross. So have fun with that.

It’s also fairly easy to guess why the concert isn’t sold out if you’re a regular concertgoer and understand that paying $75 for a show better mean that the corpse of John Lennon is going to butt fuck the corpse of Jimi Hendrix on stage while Yoko sings “Imagine” like a Cantonese cat. In other words, $75 for a single-star bill is fucking ridiculous. Even if it is Kylie’s first American tour. You’re being raped. Stop acting like you like it.

Want another reason? If the house is packed, good luck dancing, drinking or peeing. This is because the majority of the venue is an open floor. Want a good spot? You’re going to have to stand for a while. Your friends and you are going to have to swap turns going on beer runs for each other (granted they even let you buy a beer for someone who isn’t present at the bar). This is so you can save your space because people WILL TAKE IT! Same goes with going to the bathroom. My advice? Try to hold it in. Because the moment you bum rush the watercloset, that spot you spent two hours protecting is gone, man, solid gone. And with a lack of any seats, expect to stand for at least three hours total. At least. What a workout for your calves, right?

Finally, the Congress is not letting people wait outside for more than an hour. Because all tickets are General Admission, this is going to end badly. People are going to line up earlier than an hour. I’ll bet puppies on it. The Congress will try to shoo them away. This won’t work. More people will line up. Some will be angry others lined up earlier, given the one hour rule. People will be mad at Congress. Congress might threaten to call the cops. I don’t know. This is obviously speculative. But it’s a dumb rule, and it’s going to make for trouble.

So yeah. I love Kylie. I love love love Kylie. I very much want to see her. But her tour company has fucked up royally. Overpriced tickets + seriously awful venue = terrible time and a waste of money. If they move it to another venue, I might consider it. Otherwise, if you’re going, tell me how it is. I’ll be at home having a listening party, which means I will be blasting Kylie while passed out on pina coladas.

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4 responses to “Chicago Hates Kylie Minogue

  1. I couldn’t agree with you more, man. I’ve been a Kylie fan most of her career (hard to forgive “Locomotion” though) and was so excited when I heard she was finally coming to Chicago. But $90 tickets ($75 and about $15 in TicketMaster fees) + general admission + Congress Theater = NO FUCKING WAY! I’m really heartbroken about it and try not to think too much about missing what may be my only chance to see her ever. When Pet Shop Boys were here a couple of years ago they played the Chicago Theater with reserved seats… and it was a great show. Why not the Chicago Theater, Kylie?

  2. I can’t help with the ticket price, but the venue she’ll be at in Oakland, the newly remodeled Fox Theatre, is fantastic in all regards! So just come see her out here and you can squeeze a Bay Area visit in too 😉 She sold out the first night already and added a second night which still has tickets. Sorry Chicagoans, but you can all stay at my place afterwards . . .

  3. Samara is KylieKrazy

    this motherfucker is probably pissed that he can’t afford a $75 ticket to see Kylie! $75 to see that woman just fart is worth it! The Congress is an old ass building yes but some of the biggest names around put on shows there Beastie Boys, David Guetta, Tiesto, Paulina Rubio, M.I.A, Wisin Y Yandel etc… its not an arena or anything fancy thats for sure and i don’t give a shit if i have to stand for 10 hours, only TRUE Kylie fans are going to be @ the Chicago show so it works out in our favor really if the venue is not packed, so please bitch go back to your Britney Spears concert and pay $200 to see that talentless tart, now that is a rape! and as for the cops being called! PLEASE! they ain’t gonna come! in that neighborhood they are too busy busting drug deals and rapists lol naw, it aint that bad (during the evening) lol CHICAGO LOVES KYLIE!!! The USA LOVES KYLIE!!! p.s. if i see at the show i’ll knock the bad taste out your mouth!

  4. Yeah! Boy! This motherfucker is dumb fucker. I bet he’d pay a million pieces of cheeze to see Mandy Moore sing Jessica Simpsons cover songs out o her twat! lol Boy!

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