The Asshole Behind Me

The asshole behind me in the coffee shop thinks that Metropois Coffee is his personal office. He thinks he can take phone calls here and make sales calls. He thinks he’s building an empire.

He’s speaking to a loved one right now. I’m assuming his girlfriend. No one would marry him. He’s spouting off things very loudly because he wants us all to hear. “What am I doing? I’m building a business!” No! You’re being a douche. A big stupid douche. You look like a douche too.

I wonder what kind of business you are starting. Obviously not haircare as I see from your comb over. Obviously not a weightloss clinic because you have quite a bit of pudge. I’m guessing a moron school. A school where you teach smart people how to be stupid. Because I can tell you have a PhD in big gaping stupid asshole. Why would anyone want to go to a school to be stupid? Beats me. Sounds like a dumb idea, the kind of idea a big fat stupid imbecile would think of you stupid ape-like cretin.

Ugh! I need more coffee.

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One response to “The Asshole Behind Me

  1. justaddwonder

    I was just in Chicago last week, and I must say I was amazed by how well things seem to run there. For instance, most people seem to understand that other people are trying to get somewhere, and they move at a pace that reflects this awareness. I was really kind of astounded by the fact that people using their cells, for the most part, seemed to grasp that if they made that choice, they had to keep moving or move aside. The most jaw-dropping observation I made, though, was that people rolling baby roasters (strollers) seemed to not completely block foot traffic. Maybe in the big city they know they and their offspring don’t stand a chance. Where I live, the baby roasters are like suicide squirrels. They dodge into the road long enough to scare the crap out of you then instantly change their minds and run back the other direction. Usually the person manning the roaster is also attached to a leashed dog with a conflicting notion of destination. So – your guy on the phone? Yeah, asshole. But wow. Overall, Chicago seems to have its shit together. And I like your writing, btw. Maybe the next time I’m up your way, my visit will coincide with one of your gigs; no doubt you’d be fun to see. Take care.

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