It is an age old question, a question as old as age itself. In the same vein as, “Mommy, where do babies come from?” and “Can I eat this moldy thing in the fridge?”, the question of who would win an epic battle, right wing bigots or zombies, plagues the human subconcious throughout his or her day to day life.
Let’s look at what we’re dealing with here people:
Side 1:Right Wing Bigots
Heavily armed. These fuckers live like it is the end of days because in their mind it is the end of days. They put bazookas in their children’s Xmas stockings, and I’m not talking about the kind with the asinine cartoons on the wrappers of some dude blowing bubble gum all over his face. I’m talking about the kind that can take out a ’65 Chevy with one twitch of the trigger finger. Chicken Kung Pow!
Angry: These people don’t need no Monster energy drink or a Red Bull. They’re fueled purely on hate and blame. If the economy sucks, blame the Jews. If you lost a sock, some black dude probably stole it. And if your Chinese food made you sick, blame the Mexicans that work in the kitchen. Ethnic zombies stand no chance against rueful rednecks. That statement is a fact that you can find in any public school textbook.
Ignorant: You would think ignorance would work against you. Being able to tie your shoes, let alone breath through your mouth, are evolutionary traits that have helped man survive through the ice age, the stone age and the winter of our discontent. But when it comes to zombies, intelligence is the carrot that will have those undead donkeys gnawing on your skull faster than you can say, “Dear fucking God, stop gnawing on my skull!” That’s because zombies love brains. They’re like truffles (the chocolate kind). The less you have, the more lacking in flavor your head will be to a zombie. Smart people = delicacy. Stupid people = empty calories.
Side 2: Zombies
Undead – They’re already dead. What have they got to lose? A family? A job? Nope. Zombies are orphaned freeloaders doomed to roam the earth for all eternity looking for something to do to pass the time. They can’t even play Wii because the motion sensors can’t sense zombies. So instead they just walk 500 miles and then they walk 500 more.
Insatiable Hunger – As stated, zombies love brains. It’s their one pleasure in unlife. Fortunately the never get full, which is bizarre because they have all the working parst us living do. Their stomachs have to get full eventually. I guess this means zombies poop. Or maybe they don’t poop, per se, as much as waste constantly leaves their body, like a bucket with a hole in it. (Note to self: ask a zombie if they poo, but be discreet. You don’t want to embarass the zombie.) So yeah, zombies dig on brains. And they’ll totally dig on redneck brains, despite their lack of them cause eventually all the smart people will have been eaten.
That’s about it. Frankly I put my money on the gun-toting, pick-up driving racist hoosiers. But I almost always put my money on them because it’s better than keeping it in a bank. Rim shot! But seriously, I will gladly give up all earthly possessions just to watch this battle from afar. And if you want to buy a t-shirt to root for your favorite team, I’m selling them (see below):
1. Pro Bigot Shirt
Hate Is Delicious!