Am I the only person that is constantly overwhelmed with life? Everyday I teeter between unmotivated and intimidated because of just how much shit I have to think about. My job, my comedy and my personal life is a juggling act that I precariously master on a day-to-day basis. I’m not saying nobody else has the same kind of responsibilities as I. In fact, I’d say most people have more, especially those we call parents. But I’m a lazy person at heart. And so any amount of work is too much work for me. And I also love complaining, so being overwhelmed is, in essence, a past time.
Still, I constantly wonder if I’m doing the right things. Rather than living in the moment, I remove myself from my own life and watch it as if it is a story unfolding, always questioning what’s going to happen next and hoping that my prediction is either correct or completely wrong, depending on whatever the prediction might be. I think that’s why I watch so many documentaries. I view my own life as a documentary, and I’m the subject. And right now I’m in the part of the piece where the artist is making some gains, but hasn’t hit it big yet. Where he’s still working his strange day job and performing in theaters where the public bathroom also serves as the back stage. Where drugs, alcohol and sex are all vices and habits that both make me who I am while setting up the potential to destroy myself and throw me off the path of my dream. Where I’m lonely a lot, but am unable to actually have a relationship with a man because I’m already married to my passion.
It’s an interesting part in every documentary. We don’t like watching a biopic where the subject is already successful. We like to watch it when he or she is struggling to become successful. It is this struggle, the ascendence, that engages us. Because that person is us. They were born somewhere unremarkable, their parents did unremarkable things, yet somehow they transcended this. And all the while they didn’t realize they were transcending. Which bothers me. Because I’m so self aware, so analytical and introspective that I can’t help but to be aware.
Fame is not a goal of mine. Not a direct goal at least. The validation and appreciation of my art is. And fame is a symptom of this. It is being embraced and understood by many people. If doing Gayrilla Warfare were the peak of my creative career, I suppose I’d be happy. Because it is already much more than I ever expected for myself. But to have futher appeal, to continue to create and share, that would be spectacular.
So I continue to motivate myself despite my lack of motivation. Because something in me forces myself to continue. Even when I’m tapped dry, even when my creative juices cease to flow and I’m lonely and poor and eating donuts at 3 am, I still wake up the next day and juggle.