Cable News Can Blow Me

I don’t have cable t.v. I don’t even have regular t.v. I have no t.v. Basically I’m a caveman. Unga bunga! Me want Oprah!

But occasionally I have the privilege of living like a normal human being, with indoor plumbing, iPods and Kleenex box cozies. For example, my gym has televisions attached to their cardio machines. This is obviously to fool overweight couch potatoes into thinking they’re actually sitting at home eating Cheetos rather than running their jiggly butts on a treadmill. Little do they know, they’re actually burning calories while watching the Barefoot Contessa spoon heaping helpings of butter into yet another boring Italian dish that I wouldn’t pay good money for no way no how. Wear some shoes, woman! Really!

Der! I don't wear shoes! Blargh!

Der! I don't wear shoes! Blargh!

What was I saying? Oh yes, I get to watch cable t.v. while I’m at the gym. And I always love tuning to the cable news networks, you  know, because there’s nothing more fun than a self-induced aneurysm. CNN, MSNBC, FOX. Give it to me! In my eyeholes! Hard! Fuck yeah!

The problem (or appeal) of cable news is that they have to fill 24 hours of programming with about maybe 5-8 hours worth of news (and that’s probably an overestimate. I mean think about how much goes on in your day. How much of it is interesting? How much of it is worth telling people? I’m not talking about how much of it you do tell people because Lord knows we all can’t fucking wait to hear the next story about the secretary, Gale, who taps her fake fingernails too loudly. Cause we all really give a shit about your stupid worklife. Do something interesting for once! Like learn to play the violin! Then you might have something to say that won’t make me want to cry and castrate myself because THAT would be 10x more interesting than a story about how you got lucky and landed two Snickers from the vending machine when you only paid for one.) So as you can see, it’s hard to fill up time with good stuff.

So cable news journalists are force to make up news. And they do this by relying on a time-old journalistic tradition – assuming you, the viewer, are a complete, thoughtless moron. For example, one of the stories they had on the other day was about who we should blame for the current economic crisis. First, isn’t that a little past due? Hasn’t this crisis been going on long enough to the point that our fingers have about fallen off thanks to all that pointing. But second, who the fuck cares?!? I’m poor. My friends are jobless. My parents have no retirement money. No one gives a flying flip anymore about how we got here. The point is we’re here. In hell. So how the fuck do we get out of it? It’s like the guy who wants to discuss how you could have avoided falling into a giant pile of quicksand while you’re sinking in a giant pile of quicksand.



So the point is, if you can help it, please get your news from a legitimate source. Don’t rot your brain out by watching cable news. They’re nothing but trouble. Read a blog or maybe a newspaper. I don’t know. You can’t really trust any media outlet anymore. I guess the only way to really find out what’s going on is to go there and see it for yourself. But in instances like Iraq and Afghanistan, that’s too dangerous. Which I guess is why we have journalists….so someone else and bare the risk of getting blown to bits so you can find out about Spring fashion in the Green Zone.


One response to “Cable News Can Blow Me

  1. Wow. Maybe, listening to music on the treadmill maybe a little more soothing?

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