Oh my God! Thank you Reader’s Digest. Thank you! You will save us all from this towering inferno of an economy because of your well-written, highly informative article titled “Best New Jobs!”
What are these “recession-proof” jobs? Why there’s teacher assistant, a position that comes with a median pay of…wait for it…$21,580!!! Yay! I could live in Lincoln Park on that kind of money…like literally, sleeping in the park. And who doesn’t want to be the assistant to someone that gets absolutely no respect in our society whatsoever. It’s like being the footstool to the whipping boy. Huzzah!
Oh, here’s another job prospect: Power Plant Operator. This is great! I’ve always wanted to run a fucking power plant. I mean, I know nothing about how a power plant functions and have almost absolutely zero interest in the generation of power (other than how it relates to the destruction of our ecology), but sure, if it’s stable, I’ll take it. Where do I sign up? And can I be sued if I cause the mass destruction of a city due to my incompetence? Okay!
This one’s right up my alley: Financial Adviser. I love money, and I love telling people what to do. The only problem I see is that the market is incredibly unpredictable and no one, not even Pulitzer Prize-winning economists, could tell you with any sort of certainty where your money will be safe. So basically Financial Adviser is equivalent to Professional Dart Player because that’s what I’d be doing. Throwing darts. At letters. And then telling people to buy whatever stock is associated with those letters. It’s better than just guessing because there’s a system. Think about it!
Okay, this is definitely the job for me: ATM Repairman. Think about it. You get to go from bar to bar fixing all those crappy STAR ATM machines that are just going to break down in a week’s time anyway. AND you can award yourself your own bonus by taking money that gets jammed in the machines. If there’s no money jammed in the machine when you get there, just jam some money in the machine, and then take that money. Money! That’s what a happy career life is all about, right?